Those circulated e-mail jokes



Cow Man makes good and gets his best friend back!

A Queensland cow man (drover) was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.

The driver, a man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs, "Why not?"

The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right." says the farmer. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"

And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.

"Hey," muses the grazier, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"

The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.

"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle. Now, give me back my damn dog."

WHY FEMALES SHOULD AVOID A GIRLS NIGHT OUT AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him..

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight".

He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 2 times,
giggled, Cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
passed wind.



POSITION FOR LIFE!!

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma, Mum, Mummy

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

HUG YOUR MUM, EVERYONE !!

Aussie Tracker

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists
the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities
of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through
the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held
high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists
gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25Km is
an old 1971 Citreon truck.

It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and
it has dents on every panel. Plus it needs a good tune up.

There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are
3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and
detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "because I fell out of the damn thing about
half an hour ago."




Don't Make This Mistake!!

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - Silence - -

HUSBAND: "S**T"